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  Today, I set up a camera in my kitchen to see who was stealing my 软妹子s. Turns out my mom had her boyfriend over. Good news, the are safe. Bad news, I now have something recorded that I never wanted to see in my life.

  今天我在厨房里安装好了摄像头想看看谁偷了我的饼干, 结果我看到了老妈和她的男朋友,好消息是饼干很安全,坏消息是 我看了一些我这辈子都不想看到的事

  Today, after my girlfriend of 2 years left me for another guy, I got stuck in an elevator for 3 hours. With both of them.

  今天和我相处2年的女朋友离开了我和另一个男人好了, 然后我在电梯里面卡了3小时,和他们2个一起

  Today, the C-train was packed and I was stuck with a homeless man pressed up against me. He was staring at me intently, and two minutes into the ride he got an erection, which was rubbed against me at every single bump and turn of the train.

  今天,卡尔加里轻轨车厢挤满了人;我旁边的一个流浪汉被挤得死死地顶着我。他专注地盯着我看,上车两分钟以后他就硬了=_=——于是乎车厢每次颠簸和转弯的时候,那东西都在摩擦着我。

  Today, I was leaving to go over to a friend's and my parents suddenly ask if I'm gay. I reply that no, I'm bisexual. My mom then asks if I've ever made out with someone of the same sex and I say yes. She turns to my dad and says 'I told you so. You owe me $20'. My parents bet on my sexuality.

  今天,我正准备出门去朋友家,我父母突然问我是不是搞基的。我回答不是,澄清说我是双性恋。我妈又问我曾经是否和一个同性别的人亲热过,我回答是。然后她就跟我爸说:“看,我跟你说过了吧。你欠我20块。”我父母拿我的性取向打赌。

  Today, I caught my little brother peeping at my friend getting dressed in the bathroom. When I asked him what he was doing he said "I'm just doing what Ray does to you while you're in the bathroom." Ray is my new step dad.

  今天,我在我的小弟弟偷看我朋友在卫生间换衣服的时候把他抓了个正着。我问他他在干嘛,他回答说:“雷(Ray)在你去卫生间的时候就这么做,我只是在学他罢了。”雷是我的新继父。

  Today, I went out with this girl I really liked and she came back to my place. Things were heating up and we ended up having sex and I was on top. I was really into it and in the middle of it she held up her wrist and said "oh, look at the time, I gotta get home". She wasn't wearing a watch FML

  今天,我和一个我很喜欢的女孩出门去玩,然后我们晚上一起回到了我家。我们之间十分来电,于是最后OOXX了……男上女下。我非常之投入,可是在半途的时候她突然举起手腕说:“啊,看看都几点了。我得回家了。”她当时根本没戴表。

  Today, I was running late for work so instead of walking the ten minutes to the office, I took a taxi. The driver took the opportunity to share the story of his first sexual experience with a man. In great detail.

  今天,我上班要迟到了,所以我没去走那十分钟的路程而是打了辆出租车。这司机抓住这一大好时机,向我讲述了他第一次和男人OOXX的故事。具体而又生动。

  Today, I was walking from my office to the place i had parked my car, a distance of approximately three blocks. As I was about to round the last corner I was forced to dive out of the way of a speeding car. As I looked up, I noticed that it was my car.

  今天,我得从我的办公室走到我停车的地方,距离大概有三个街区远。在我准备转过最后一个街角时,一辆车超速驶来,我不得不赶紧跳到一边。我抬头的时候发现了——那车是我的。

  Today, my girlfriend decided to strip me naked and blindfold me, then told me I'd get a reward if I caught her. So I ran around naked and blindfolded till I caught her, and then I yelled, "I want my prize on the kitchen table!" It was her mom who'd just got back from work.

  今天,我女友决定把我扒光并把我眼睛蒙上,然后告诉我说如果我抓住她就奖励我。于是我就蒙着眼睛,啥也没穿地四处瞎跑一直到我抓住了她。我大喊:“在厨房桌子上把我的奖励给我吧!”MLGB的我抓住的是她刚下班的妈妈。

  Today, my mom's will was read to the rest of the family. I helped my mom write it a couple years ago, and I was to get funds to pay off school loans. She revised it and put in a note saying I was to get nothing because I was gay. The executor read it out loud. My mom was the only one who knew.

  今天,我妈的遗嘱被宣告给了全家人。我在几年前帮助我妈写的;我会得到一笔资金来付助学贷款。她自己把遗嘱给改了,注明说我啥也得不到因为我搞基。遗嘱执行人把这段大声朗读了出来。本来只有我妈一个人知道的。

  Today, I found out that just because your boyfriend asks you to marry him doesn't mean that he will show up at the wedding.

  今天,我发现就算你的男友向你求婚,也不意味着他婚礼的时候就一定能来。

  Today, my mom talked about how it's interesting how there's so many different size of penises. She also told me that since she's doing hormone therapy she's able to orgasm a LOT more. We were stuck in stop and go traffic for 3 hours. When I turned on the radio, she turned it off and talked more.

  今天,我妈跟我说各种JJ有不同的大小,真是有趣。她也跟我说因为她一直在做荷尔蒙疗法,她能够体验的高潮比以往多多了。我们堵车堵了3个小时。当我打开收音机的时候,她把收音机关了,接着讲。

  Today, was the first time my boyfriend slept over. He was hard, so I woke him up by whispering in his ear, "If you could get me to do anything right now, what would it be?" His response, "Can you get me a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream?" He was hard, for ice cream.

  今天,是我的男友第一次来我家过夜。他硬了,我就在他的耳边耳语把他叫醒:“如果你现在让我做什么都行,你想要我做什么呢?”他的回答,“你能给我碗薄荷巧克力屑冰淇淋吗?”他想冰淇淋想到硬。

  Today, my boyfriend and I were at his house having sex. After about 30 minutes, his mom came home and was knocking on the door asking "What are you doing?" Thinking I might have a chance to sneak out, I got dressed real quiet. Then my boyfriend answers, "Zoe. I'm doing Zoe."

  今天,我男友和我在他的家里OOXX。大概30分钟后,他的妈妈回家了,敲他的房门问道:“你在干啥?”想着也许我有偷偷溜出去的可能,我蹑手蹑脚地穿起了衣服。结果这时我的男友就回答:“佐伊。我在干佐伊。”

  Today, I got a $200 ticket mailed to me for drunk driving in Maryland. I have never been pulled over for drunk driving and I have never been to Maryland.

  今天,一张“在马里兰醉酒驾驶”的200美金的罚单被寄给了我。我从来都没因醉酒驾驶而被抓而且我压根就没去过马里兰。

  Today, I woke up to find that my dog was missing. I spent about an hour searching for him when my psycho ex-girlfriend texted me his photo. She'd kidnapped him. After driving over there, she shot paintballs at my car. Now I have no dog and a colorful car.

  今天,我醒来以后发现我的狗丢了。我花了将近一个小时去找它,直到我那脑子有点问题的前女友发了张它的照片给我。她把它绑架了。开车到那里以后,她用油漆弹朝我的车开枪。现在我不仅没狗,还多了辆五彩斑斓的车。
  
Today, I asked my boyfriend of almost ten months who his top five women to have sex with would be. I was third. My mom was second.

  今天,我问了交往了将近十个月的男友,他最希望和哪五个女人OOXX。我排第三。我妈排第二。

  Today, my cat was in the bathroom with me. I was getting undressed to get into the shower. My cat looked at me after I undressed and then proceeded to throw up all over the rug.

  今天,我的猫和我一起在浴室里。我脱了衣服准备冲个澡。猫在我脱光了衣服以后看了看我,然后就在小毯上吐得到处都是。
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